WAR

I seem to have become apathetic in regards towards my sin these past few weeks. Or perhaps it has really been going on longer than that. Chances are, it has. This past week it has occurred to me that I have not been at war with the sinful tendencies and desires of my flesh. I have been angry with others, disapproving, critical, and judgmental. I have been unloving, uncaring, and ignorant to the cares and concerns of those around me. I have been in a tightly sealed bubble in which my life seems to be the only one that matters. This morning, I find myself angry. Violently angry and downright ticked off. Every second I spend criticizing and judging the people around me, particularly fellow heirs of God's Kingdom, is a second wasted, a second I am not serving God for His Kingdom. How could I possibly forget that the irritability toward others and the disdain with which I regard others NAILED JESUS TO THE CROSS. Have I no regard for holiness whatsoever? Have I let myself become so occupied with the business of my schedule that I gave no thought to the war in which I am engaged? Have I let my senses become weak and allowed myself to become vulnerable to attack? Yes. "Love thy neighbor"- words I have not obeyed. Amy Carmichael once said "If I take offense easily; if I am content to continue in a cool unfriendliness, though friendship be possible, then I know nothing of Calvary Love."

I must confess I feel slightly embarrassed to admit this. Ashamed in fact. And in the midst of God's gracious pruning of this area of my life, I MUST remember the Gospel. But I openly admit this because I am not a good person and I need, desperately need, the prayers of my fellow brethren in this area especially. Pray for me to walk in the controlling love of Christ. I beg of you...please pray.    

Not Peace, but Division

My decision to be a missionary has not surprisingly been met with intense skepticism within my family. How do I attempt to understand this? It has been extremely difficult to listen to my parents petitions for me not to go. I love them very much and I am trying to keep their feelings in perspective. However, as I told them, the only "no" I will accept is from God. I love them yes, but I serve God alone. This is not dishonoring. Jesus said that in one household, there would be division. This I have seen. However, there are those in the world who face greater persecution from their parents than I have faced. Parents often disown their children for trusting in Jesus. I am not the only believer who has ever met opposition for choosing to become a foreign missionary. I have recently been reading about the life of John Paton. Paton faced criticism for leaving a fruitful, urban mission and choosing to make his home amongst the cannibals in the New Hebrides islands. His life has served as an encouragement these past couple days I've been at home. 


One argument that my father made was that he didn't wish to see me conform to another person's standards. He wanted me to be a leader and a rebel, live my own life, and break the norms of society by finding out who I am rather than be spoon fed my beliefs. But how can there be rebellion in a world that has come to tolerate rebellion? Sexual immorality, drunkenness, homosexuality, and agnosticism (just to name a few) would have once been perceived as rebellion. However, "rebellious" lifestyles have become the norm, have they not? Therefore who are the real rebels? Isn't it obvious? They are the ones who follow hard after Jesus, the ones who read their Bibles, the ones who refuse the American Dream. So I guess if rebellion is my true motivation in life, then surely I'm on the right track. 


Regardless of my parents' stand, I will pursue missions unless God Himself shuts the door or gives me a new direction. But prayer and love will be my constant practice because I want more than anything to see them love and trust Jesus.

Getting Closer!

This is my last semester at ISU...whoa! I can hardly believe it! I can't believe I have been at Indiana State for five years and how I have changed so much during those years! I can't believe I am now pursuing a life I never in a million years thought I wanted to live. But nevertheless, here I am, and I wouldn't have it any other way! Yesterday, I had my interview with Wycliffe for the Discovery Internship. I was so nervous! Naturally, I talked way too much and way too fast. I really want this opportunity to travel abroad so that I can see what its like to be on the foreign mission field. But, if God chooses to close the door of this opportunity, then so be it. The desire to be a missionary hasn't changed a bit. However, the constant thoughts of my inadequacy keep popping in my head and I keep thinking things like "why would God want to use you?" It's true, He shouldn't want to use me. But even though my walk with Him has been so inconsistent, and I am not qualified to be used by Him, I am thankful He does not operate based on those conditions. He has called me, so I know he will qualify me!


In the mean time, as I wait to hear whether or not I have been accepted for the Discovery Program, I will wait and pray and trust. Your will Lord, not mine!

...it is the Power of God...

It is a daily fight to believe the Gospel and faithfully preach it to oneself. I wish I could say that the battle has become easier over the past four years, however it has only become more difficult. I don't know if this is true of every believer, but for me this has certainly been the case. The reason why it is so hard to believe the good news of Christ's redeeming work on my behalf is because everything in my human nature, my flesh, seeks to reject it. My flesh tells me I have to work for approval, earn the love and trust of others, and not mess up no matter what I do. But the Gospel says I am accepted by God in spite of who I am, that He loves me unconditionally, and welcomes me home even when I fail. The Gospel tells me that I cannot be found guilty of sin, because Christ has paid for it all. This truth is too beautiful and too incredible for me to believe. But God deals with me not according to what I've done, but because of who He is. This Gospel of Truth is so simple it almost makes me go cross-eyed. It's so easy to understand, yet impossible to understand without the Spirit of God.

These past few months I have let my sins define me. It has been an awful, miserable prison. But God's Word tells me that Christ alone defines me, and that I am not under law but under grace. What freedom! My eternal fate is set and cannot be changed no matter what I do. Heaven is my home, and there is a crown awaiting me there that will fit my head alone. There is a throne that only I will be able to fill.

These truths must be the constant meditations that engulf my mind. They are my protection from the lies and accusations of the enemy. They are my weapon in this war in which i battle "not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places."